Why Talking Therapies are not for Everyone. The Cruise Texts Vol 2.

Last year I was asked to write a series of blogs for publication. As ever, they disappeared down a rabbit hole, having just uncovered them, they are I feel ripe for release so here they are. Written whilst on a cruise around the North Sea and the North Atlantic on the P&O Cruises cruise ship Aurora organised by Laura Childs of Pure Travel. Hence Cruise Texts.

We are taught in our European cultures that if we are talking to someone, we should look at them and nod at appropriate moments if we agree with what they are saying, shake our head or at least look perplexed if we disagree.

That’s great if we are in a good place with ourselves.

However, if we are not happy, for any reason, with ourselves or with the person we are talking to this becomes very hard. We will tend to look down, or away from them. That can be hard enough as it is, but if that person is superior to us, or feels that they should be, they are likely to demand that we look at them because that is what our culture demands.

‘Are you listening to me? they will say. Not really a question, a demand!

Previously when teaching, I would say it to children who were misbehaving. Or I perceived as misbehaving. I know better now. Especially when dealing with children in care. Many of them don’t like themselves and are totally convinced that no one else does either. Often, they have difficulties such as Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) so also need time to process what is said to them.

Making them look at you is almost a recipe for disaster.

However, some of the most important, in depth discissions with these children happen one to one in a car. Once you have built a relationship with them, they will talk. About all things, quite often very personal and deep, because they haven’t got to make eye contact. In fact, sometimes they talk so much its exhausting.

That’s very hard to achieve in a house, room, office, surgery or therapy room because of the way our culture demands we behave. Unless the TV is on, but then we are often not really listening anyway.

That explains why those coming on my outdoor experiences would quite often discuss topics they were not comfortable to discuss anywhere else. No eye contact.  In fact, if there was a part of the days activities to attend to, those who were talking before it, would seek me out again afterwards. I suspect there were other conversations happening that otherwise wouldn’t have done. And of course it’s always easier to talk to strangers. Especially if we don’t have to look at them.

Couple that with the stigma of having to go to someone’s office for ‘mental’ health treatment, it’s easy to see why help is not sought.  We are getting better, but there’s still a huge distance between admitting you need help and actually addressing the situation.

Even doctors’ surgeries require you to look at the doctor.

Talking therapies are best if we don’t have to look at the person and can change the location.

Often nature is the simplest location to achieve the required indirectness.

Maybe the therapist should take clients for a walk.

Simon Pollard July 2024.