Managing anxiety for most of my life. Part Two. Beer and cannabis. Coping strategies.

Last year I was asked to write a series of blogs for publication. As ever, they disappeared down a rabbit hole, having just uncovered them, they are I feel ripe for release so here they are. Written whilst on a cruise around the North Sea and the North Atlantic on the P&O Cruises cruise ship Aurora organised by Laura Childs of Pure Travel. Hence Cruise Texts.

Then alcohol entered my life. It numbed the pain. I went to college and discovered cannabis. That worked for me, We all lived in large accommodation blocks. Mostly I was still alone, the fear of doors still massive, but if I invited anyone I was comfortable with we just sat there stoned, conversation rarely an issue. The conversation we did have was slow.

When I stopped providing cannabis they went back to their rooms, rarely contributing. Using my generosity. It was safe, if a little hollow.

The situation was repeating, the context had changed.

Eventually the depressive nature of Cannabis was becoming an issue, and the anxiety was fuelled with paranoia. I stopped smoking cannabis and replaced it with alcohol.

I became alcohol dependant, a functioning alcoholic. I had managed to find a lady who loved me, and I became a father to Ross.  Life was a blur, but to all intents and purposes life went on ok, but it was, looking back a blur.

If you are drinking most of the time, hangovers don’t exist and supermarkets mean alcohol is not too expensive and you do the majority of things everyone does. But it all has to function around when you can have a drink.

Any activity involving driving is a major obstacle and ways to ‘not be the driver’ become of paramount importance. Even a family BBQ on the beach.

How long till I can have a beer?

This half-life continued until I decided to stop smoking. The threat of cancer was on my mind and smoking was also starting to make me paranoid too. I was aware enough to decide smoking was bad for me.

I didn’t know at the time that smoking curb the anger within me that began to be unleashed when I drank without nicotine to take the edge off.

I would drink, get angry, at stupid things, that I felt were totally justified in my alcohol dazed state. Within months, my sons mother, fed up with being on the end of my rantings left and I became a single father.

Simon Pollard July 24