A cure for Anxiety, No thank you!

Not at the moment anyway.

Really, you ask, you’d say ‘no’ to a cure, to living without anxiety?

And right now I would have to say ‘yes, yes I would’.

It actually fuels my positivity, gives me creativity and is the trigger for some of my personal choices.

Where to begin. Anxiety has been a part of my life for longer than I care to remember, however I’ve only known what I was dealing with for the last few years. It provides the trigger for the public speaking I do and also the writing I do. The nervous tension I am fuelled with just before I speak, but also when planning what to say and what I write means that when I give release to those ‘juices’ the words just flow out of me.

I reach a level that I couldn’t reach by formal planning. You’ll have heard of the phrase ‘piss poor planning results in piss poor performance, well that’s not the case for me.

At all.

I do need to have an idea what I’m going to deliver, on whatever platform, but that nervous energy I gain from the anxieties I have gives me a passion of delivery that I believe few can match. It also means that I am not entirely sure where the delivery or flow will go, however I am pretty good at returning to the starting point, to tie up whatever point I am making. No two presentations are the same. 

Occasionally I do loose the plot, there is an element of risk involved, but that also fuels the anxiety which then fuels the creativity.

Its very much the same when I write, and that is what you are reading here, I had no plan what the content was going to be when I sat down, or the order in which I would construct it.

It probably makes sense to say then what prompted me to write a blog on this subject, and traditionally I might have started with that, but I didn’t.

I posted a video a couple of months just after I’d had the biggest attacks of anxiety I’d experienced in a long time. I manage it pretty well most of the time these days. Two things happened as a result of that. I got offered some hypnotherapy free of charge and a little while I got introduced to an Indian herbalist who specialised in ayurvedi I think.

At first, I didn’t do too much about either. But the more I thought about the attacks I’d experienced I got to thinking, ‘where had they come from?’  I knew exactly what I was consciously thinking about, and it was nothing that would cause anxiety.

I also know you can’t have an emotion without having had a thought first, so where had the attack come from.  If it wasn’t my conscious thinking, then it had to have come from my sub conscious thinking. That made the hypnotherapy an interesting idea.

I enrolled and had four sessions with an amazing hypnotherapist. Whilst we didn’t cure the anxiety, we did establish that there is something locked away in my subconscious that either doesn’t want to come out, or something else doesn’t want released.

At first, I was seriously intrigued, what was in there? Was it from my childhood? Was it passed down the ancestral line? I know one of grandfathers had completed suicide.

I kinda wanted to know.

It took a while before I got a meeting together with the herbalist.  Using traditional ways and methods she was very confident she could get in there and find out what was going on.

It was at this point that I realised that right now I don’t want to know. Whatever’s in there can stay there for now, it might be a real pandoras box and right now I don’t need that. I have finally worked out who I am and what I’m here to do. Everything about me is lining up to help me achieve that.

I am at peace with myself, despite the anxiety rumbling around inside, for the most part its manageable and it’s safe to know where it is.

One of the major non negotiables that come from it, is this one, ‘if it’s scary, then that’s the time to step forward.’  Public speaking is one example of that, especially to construction workers who probably don’t want to hear what I’ve got to say. Doesn’t include bungee jumping by the way, I’m not doing that!

I refuse to live in fear, that comes from my anxiety too.

And that brings me back to the title, A cure for anxiety, no thank you, not right now.

However, I am also aware that that might change too, at the right time. I was having a chat with a fella a couple of days ago and he said, ‘do you really think it will change you that much? It might be like Doctor Who before he regenerates.  Another you with different strengths, but the core will still be there.’

I think there will be a time to open that box, but it’s not now.

There’s too much to do as I am.

Simon Pollard Urban Countryman March 2024

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